Thanks to everyone who entered our 'Give Coal for Christmas' competition. We received loads of hilarious entries, and had a great time reading them all. Here are our top five, selected by a team of five judges (more commonly known as 'marketing')...
The first home we had, Nick insisted we open the fireplace up as he loved to have an open fire. One evening I had got home from work late and Nick had the house lovely and warm with a roaring coal fire and was preparing dinner, and offered to do some house work while I had a relaxing bath. I was lying there chilling out and could hear Nick running the Hoover around downstairs, when suddenly a strange smell drifted up the stairs.
I called out to Nick to ask what it was and he didn't answer, just carried on hoovering. The smell got stronger and stronger, so in a panic I got out of the bath and rushed downstairs stark naked and dripping wet to investigate.
Nick was in the kitchen, so I rushed in to be confronted by small piles of dust smouldering like volcanoes, the entire contents of the Hoover all over the kitchen floor, and Nick trying to put out the fire in the Hoover. He had been vacuuming the lounge and had hoovered the hearth whilst watching the TV at the same time, and had inadvertently sucked up a small burning ember which had set fire to the dust in the bag. Not realising this he had continued hoovering through the hall and dining room dragging a burning vacuum cleaner behind him.
He didn't realize until he got to the kitchen, when he opened the Hoover, ripped open the bag and dumped the contents in piles all over the floor. The whole house stunk of burning for days, and every time I vacuumed the smell reappeared. I had to buy a new Hoover and needless to say I have never asked Nick to vacuum since.
You think that Christmas without a tune from Mr Michael Buble is ok, AND you leave a dry cream cracker and water for Santa, AND give sprouts to Carol singers, AND refuse to wear the Christmas jumper I knitted for you!
You came to my house, used my ingredients and my kitchen to cook your friend a birthday cake, took it away, and left me with all the dirty washing up and not even a piece of cake!
You still think the song Mull of Kintyre is called Mulligan’s Tyre, and sing it every Xmas when you’ve had too much egg nog.
Last year our friend had just given birth to a baby boy around this time of year, Wendy told me that they had named him Jesus as it was fitting. I spent the whole day calling him Jesus and telling everyone what a great name it was. At the end of the day Wendy decided to tell me the truth... I wondered why everyone was giving me silly looks... our friends still rib me about it now.
Our winner and two runner ups have been notified by email, and we'll be dispatching a piece of coal to their nominees shortly.
Wishing you all a very merry Christmas and happy new year.